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Executive Order 58/26 - Dino Nugget Saturday
By the authority vested in me by the Redmont Constitution
I, Theory Fontaine, President of the Commonwealth of Redmont, do declare the following under this Executive Order:
I, Theory Fontaine, President of the Commonwealth of Redmont, do declare the following under this Executive Order:
Whereas, a "President may issue and revoke Executive Orders to ensure good governance of the server" (Const. 24(5)), and the Executive, having already committed the Commonwealth to two days of observance, has discovered that the third is by some margin the easiest.
Whereas, the dinosaur held dominion over the earth for some one hundred and sixty five million years, a term of office no President of Redmont may reasonably expect to match, though the Executive notes that several have visibly considered it.
Whereas, the dinosaur was removed from that office by a single object arriving from space without notice, debate, or a reading before the Senate, and no inquiry was ever opened and no minutes survive.
Whereas, the chicken is the nearest living relative of the theropod, and the dinosaur nugget is accordingly not a novelty but an act of remembrance, and, viewed from a certain angle, a settling of accounts.
Whereas, the Commonwealth possesses no fossil record of its own, its geology having been produced in a single afternoon, and must therefore import its prehistory frozen and in bags.
Whereas, the shapes pressed into these nuggets bear only a passing resemblance to anything in the fossil record, and no citizen of Redmont has been observed to identify more than two of them with confidence, the Executive having attempted four in private and wishing to place on record that it is harder than it looks.
Whereas, the dino nugget is the sole matter on which every party, faction, and bench of this Commonwealth has been found to agree, a circumstance so unfamiliar that the Executive initially assumed a clerical error and had it checked twice.
Whereas, the Commonwealth remains much occupied with deficits, ledgers, and the pruning of inactive balances, and a nation that audits everything and celebrates nothing will end the year with its books in perfect order and nobody left to read them.
Whereas, the dinosaur held dominion over the earth for some one hundred and sixty five million years, a term of office no President of Redmont may reasonably expect to match, though the Executive notes that several have visibly considered it.
Whereas, the dinosaur was removed from that office by a single object arriving from space without notice, debate, or a reading before the Senate, and no inquiry was ever opened and no minutes survive.
Whereas, the chicken is the nearest living relative of the theropod, and the dinosaur nugget is accordingly not a novelty but an act of remembrance, and, viewed from a certain angle, a settling of accounts.
Whereas, the Commonwealth possesses no fossil record of its own, its geology having been produced in a single afternoon, and must therefore import its prehistory frozen and in bags.
Whereas, the shapes pressed into these nuggets bear only a passing resemblance to anything in the fossil record, and no citizen of Redmont has been observed to identify more than two of them with confidence, the Executive having attempted four in private and wishing to place on record that it is harder than it looks.
Whereas, the dino nugget is the sole matter on which every party, faction, and bench of this Commonwealth has been found to agree, a circumstance so unfamiliar that the Executive initially assumed a clerical error and had it checked twice.
Whereas, the Commonwealth remains much occupied with deficits, ledgers, and the pruning of inactive balances, and a nation that audits everything and celebrates nothing will end the year with its books in perfect order and nobody left to read them.
Section 1. Purpose
The purpose of this Executive Order is to establish a national day of observance in honour of the dinosaur nugget, to commemorate the extinct in a form the living can enjoy, and to give the people of Redmont a third lawful occasion to sit down together and stop talking about the budget for twenty minutes.
Section 2. Dino Nugget Saturday
1. Every Saturday is hereby declared Dino Nugget Saturday throughout the Commonwealth.
2. Citizens are warmly encouraged to observe Dino Nugget Saturday in the company of others, at a table, with the tray placed where all parties can reach it.
3. The tray is a common good and shall be treated as one. Any citizen taking the last nugget without first offering it aloud commits no offence known to law, and shall simply have to live with it.
Section 3. Recognised Forms
1. The Commonwealth recognises four canonical forms: the long one, the spiky one, the one with the small arms, and the fourth.
2. The fourth is understood by the Executive to be either a pterosaur or a manufacturing fault, and the Government takes no position on which, in either direction, at any time.
3. Any citizen encountering a fifth form shall report it to the Office of the President at once, and shall not eat it before it has been photographed.
4. Nothing in this Section shall be read as a statement of the Government on matters of taxonomy, on which it holds no view, and hopes never to be issued one.
Section 4. Standards of Preparation
1. The oven and the air fryer are both recognised as honourable methods, and citizens may hold either conviction without prejudice to their standing in society.
2. The microwave remains entirely lawful. It produces a nugget that bends. A nugget that bends has failed, and the Executive will not be drawn further on the point today or on any future occasion.
3. The interior shall be hot. The exterior shall also be hot. That these two conditions are so seldom achieved together is a matter for physics, and physics has been notified.
Section 5. Accompaniment
1. Ketchup is the default accompaniment of the Commonwealth, and is presumed present unless the contrary is shown.
2. No citizen shall be compelled to accept ketchup, and alternative sauces are permitted without limit, condition, or comment, however alarming.
3. Sauce shall be dipped and not poured. This is offered as guidance rather than law, but it is offered firmly, and it is offered while making eye contact.
4. Double dipping is a matter between a citizen and the persons they have chosen to eat with, and the Government declines to be drawn into what happens next.
Section 6. Persons of Full Age
1. No citizen of legal age shall be required to explain, justify, or otherwise account for the presence of dino nuggets in their own home.
2. Any citizen asserting that dino nuggets are for children shall be invited to state, in writing and with reasons, the precise age at which the shapes stop working.
3. No such statement has ever been filed with this Office, and the Executive is content to wait.
Section 7. A Moment for the Cretaceous
1. Citizens are invited to observe a brief silence before the first nugget, in memory of an age that ended abruptly and through no fault of its own.
2. The silence shall be short. The nuggets are hot, and the dead would understand.
Section 8. No Obligation
1. Nothing in this Order compels any citizen to eat anything, to enjoy anything, or to hold any particular view on the extinction event.
2. No citizen shall be fined, prosecuted, or thought less of for declining the observance, though the President will privately consider it a missed opportunity and will remember it for a surprisingly long time.
Section 9. Fiscal Neutrality
1. No funds of the Commonwealth are appropriated by this Order, and no department shall incur expenditure in connection with it.
2. This Order is issued in full consistency with the spending discipline established under Executive Order 55/26, the Treasury having contributed to these festivities precisely nothing, as is its custom, and as it intends to continue doing with a diligence rarely observed elsewhere in Government.
3. Executive Order 56/26 is unaffected. Bitterbal Sunday and Tarteletter Thursday stand, and the three observances shall be treated as complementary rather than competing, notwithstanding that they now account for three days of the week and the Executive has been asked about it.
Section 10. Interpretation
1. Where a nugget has lost both its head and its tail, the question of whether it remains a dinosaur shall be referred to the President, whose decision is final, whose reasoning shall not be published, and whose mouth will be full at the time.
2. Any citizen asserting that these are simply chicken shall be heard politely, thanked for their contribution, and seated at the far end of the table.
3. Where Dino Nugget Saturday is found to fall on a Saturday, no further guidance is required.
Section 11. Implementation
This Executive Order shall take effect immediately upon its signing, and the first observance shall fall on the next Saturday to present itself, of which the Executive is pleased to report there is always one approaching.
Signed:
Theory Fontaine
30th President of the Commonwealth of Redmont